Sea Monsters and the Ministry of Defense

Conceptualizing the difficulty of learning another language is (in my personal opinion) nearly impossible – for those without first hand experience.

For most of my friends and family it is extremely difficult. Some of my friends speak Spanish or some other “Romance Language” and claim it is do-able … for this group I will use the excuse that “Chinese is harder” and for those of you who have attempted Ancient Greek, I’m sure I have your sympathies.

I’d like to borrow some of the language of renowned author David Sedaris whose mastery of English allows him to artfully describe the inherent difficulty in mastering just about any other native tongue. I’ve borrowed a number of his words and pulled some bits from his descriptions while adapted it and interspersing my own feelings and thoughts to make what I hope will be an entertaining and useful attempt at explaining what this whole language “immersion” thing is really all about.

Chapter 1: Arrival

I went to China having just studied the word for “bottleneck” and repeating it over in over in my head as a sort of security blanket. I use it to demonstrate my proficiency everywhere I go. I say “bottleneck” at the airport, “bottleneck” on the train to Hangzhou, and “bottleneck” when told that the massive unmarked building lying before me is to be my home.

“Oh … bottleneck” everyone says – you speak well.

As time goes on I pick up a few new words, but overall the situation seems hopeless. The best I can manage is a series of simple nouns.
“Ashtray!” I’d say
“Yes” they’d agree. “That’s an ashtray alright”
“Hammer?” “Screwdriver?”
“No, that’s okay we’ve got our own”

Chapter 2: Dedication

Eventually I could say the simplest of phrases entirely wrong.
“See you again yesterday!” I’d say to the storekeeper. “Ashtray! Bottleneck!”
I committed myself to the textbook promising to learn 10 new words per day
Hawthorne berry
Facial swelling
Magpie (a kind of pretty pigeon)
Death penalty
Persimmon
I found words, wrote characters, memorized translations and kept notecards for review. My list gradually expanded as did my pride in my new language abilities
Slaughterhouse
Sea Monster
Confucius
Ministry of Defense

At the end of a month I had managed to memorize some 400 nouns – not a single one of which proved the slightest bit useful.

Another month and another half a thousand words…
Padded vest
Tumble
Suffer with patience.

For the most part – people knew to shake their heads at the last one, and questioned my sanity if I said any of the others.

Classes began to add the beginnings of structure, and I went from speaking nonsensical nouns to being a severally dysfunctional hillbilly

“I want me some lamb chops with handles on ‘em”…

I managed to get foods close enough to what I wanted that they were edible, and my existence continued.

Chapter 3: “Fluency”

Its been a number of semesters, and this is my second trip to China. I can talk wonderfully with other students who aren’t aware of my mistakes and with teachers who humor them. When “real Chinese people” talk to me on the street I do my best to understand their meaning without truly being able to grasp many of their important words.

“If you have not zhishichiwichqiguai or erishjuchamener then you need to apzkiubjxow. Have you zhishichiwichqiguai? You sure? OK … good.

“Where are you from? O really? Were you palicmkrexis? Most fiusczsa will ticiwelmun kfdtinvfm” Yes? Yes or no? Yes? O … interesting.


Chapter 4: Today (in entirely my own words)

I tried understanding what it would be like for me if I didn’t know English. I picked up a random book turned to a random page and looked at a random paragraph. I realized that it isn’t just fear that keeps me from fluency – it really is a different world. The thought process is radically different the grammar is everything you can’t possibly think to do because you have been trained that it is “wrong”. The words sound almost exactly the same and the characters are actually the same and equally impossible to write.

In that one paragraph I realized there were probably 20 words which I didn’t know the meaning of when in 6th grade. I was a pretty smart 6th grader and I had a good 10 years of learning English with malleable neurons to aid my efforts – yet still, I wouldn’t have understood the message of that paragraph. Perhaps I shouldn’t expect such magic in learning Chinese these past 2 and a half years.

Learning Chinese is hard. I (for now) absolutely refuse to get up. So before I return to my memorization of words that claim to be “practical” Chinese – let me apologize. I am not always fair or honest with myself or others in describing my ability. I don’t know exactly where it is. Sometimes I feel capable other times I feel mute. Sometimes I am harsh on people who ask questions about my level – its not your fault – I’m sorry, I’m just trying really hard and it takes a lot of work for what is inevitably hazy progress. Good luck to me – I think I’ll need it, and I hope I will use it well.