Back to work

I broke today.

I snapped just about all the way in two, and knowing the optimist within me, and how likely it is to resurge in just a few days, I might as well document it. It may also help as a catharsis of sorts, its just been that sort of day.

It is almost certainly one of those sadnesses that is illegitimate. I heard Jason and Jack telling me that I could have lost a leg or be living in a refugee camp, and tried those phrases from time to time for whatever moral support they can offer. I suppose if I am going to be calm about this whole thing, all that happened is that I became afraid that mastering the language will be too hard.

I finally decided to quit with the placid acceptance of staying in this house, and to get out and explore more of Beijing than just a shopping mall and a carnival. I asked my host mother what performances I might be able to see, and she glanced up and said she had no idea before returning to a mixture of her cell phone and TV. I don’t want to blame my host family for too much, blaming a scapegoat is too easy, but it certainly didn’t help. Mostly undeterred by her lack of help, I went to figure it out myself on the internet, which absolutely refused to work. I’m more computer literate and “troubleshoot savvy” than at least 80% of computer users, and almost without exception when I go for computer help, the people run their usual tests (which I’ve already run the gamut of) and then look at me and go “Huh … you really have a problem here”.

Denied of both local advice, and any access to information about the city via the internet or phone, I started my descent into being overwhelmed. I really really wanted to talk with my brother and my girlfriend, and knew that they both wanted to talk to me, and don’t even know if I will be able to tell them what happened.

I decided to “be a man” about it and just dedicate myself to hitting the books again.

Maybe … Maybe its just an attitude thing, but I think I’m really far away. I struggle with language, it is not in the category of things that come easily to me. I have been focusing these past two weeks on words that I think have the highest frequency of usage, and I thought my plan was brilliant. Now, I believe it is the unfortunate truth, that every word is important. Who the heck writes books with only the most common 60% of words? And if you can’t understand 20% of a paragraph, then you’re really just kidding yourself about speaking the language. I’m not even there yet … I think that is “my goal” … but that’s not really my goal. My goal is to be fluent in Chinese, and heck – that was only the first step. The whole point of being fluent was to work on trying to help alleviate the massive rural poverty in China.

Maybe I’m 20 years old, and maybe I’ve only been in China for two weeks now, but mastering the language seems light years away. Being able to confidently have casual conversations (even with mistakes) seems out of reach. My 300 note cards of new words that I’ve learned in 10 days are impressive only out of context. Like, who the hell cares. No one is going to benefit from my ability to correctly write and the phrase “to pick berries”. I’m being hard on my self. I’m lonely, and bothered that I haven’t had a perfect experience here in Beijing. I haven’t seen much of the city, and haven’t bonded fantastically with the family. I’ve learned that my language goals are much harder to achieve than they seemed in my former dream world, and now in addition to having no friends as a physical presence, I’m excommunicated from even hearing the voices of everyone I love.

I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine in more than one way. I’ll have an incredible life no matter how well I master this language, and I am likely to really enjoy and benefit from this semester despite its difficulty today or any other number of days.

I mend easily, and leave almost no hint of a scar. Usually when I break, I learn a few lessons and get back on my bike. Pardon the emotional outburst if you will, sometimes feelings just happen. For whatever its worth, this is how I felt today. And now … I’m back off to work.